The Advice Squad
Answers from Real Students to Questions that Really Matter
Question: I had a steady boyfriend in high school, and we ended up going to different colleges. Although we pledged to remain true to each other, I’m now having second thoughts. I’ve already met a few guys who really interest me here on campus. How should I handle this?
Answer from Mallika Kaushal, University of Michigan
"I know you don't like the thought of reneging on your promise, but you should definitely put that out of your mind for now and take a second to think about what you want. Sometimes people make a promise without considering their options or without even considering that they HAVE options. If you are having serious second thoughts about keeping your promise, perhaps you should ask your boyfriend how he feels about taking a break. The thing is, you are both young, so you haven't really had a chance to experience all the things that life (and especially college) has to offer, including different types of people and relationships. If you doubt your ability to stay true to your boyfriend, then it would a good idea to voice your concerns. Perhaps he may share your doubts and concerns, and you two can agree to take a small break and explore your options. Be sure to stress that you have no complaints against him or the relationship, but the distance is straining, and the time for freely living in the moment and trying different things will never come at a more appropriate point in your lives. If in the end, gaining your freedom is not worth losing your high school boyfriend, then you two can always rekindle your romance knowing that what you have together is more important than those fleeting temptations on campus."
Answer from Josh Mei, Ohio University
"Long-distance relationships are probably one of the most difficult things a young couple has to go through. If you're really serious about this relationship, think of this as a test to see how strong your bond is with your boyfriend. If you find it difficult to stay loyal in your relationship, maybe you should talk to your boyfriend. Tell him what you've had to go through at college and ask if he's been in any similar situations. Ask him what he thinks. He may have different opinions now that he's been in college as well, so communication between the two of you is very important. If you both have similar feelings (about second thoughts), maybe it would be best to take a short break, and see how things work out. If there is a mutual agreementon how to handle it between the two of you, give it a shot. Remember, a “break” doesn’t mean a “break up,” it's just a short resting period for both of you to re-evaluate your relationship. I've witnessed many relationships that have gotten stronger after a break, but I've also seen some negative effects as well. If you do decide to go on a break but plan to maintain the relationship afterwards, make sure to set some ground rules so either of you know not to take it too far during this break. Long-distance relationships are based on trust, and not only between the two of you, but in yourself as well. Just trust yourself that you'll make the right decision. Most often, you will."
Answer from Shelby White, Baylor University
"Unless you want to have a seriously guilty conscience on your hands, you need to call your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. Now. No e-mails, no voicemails. That being said, beware of being "too honest.” Don't say "I'm seeing someone else, I'm not interested in you anymore.” There's no need to crush his ego. Just say, "I'm having second thoughts about maintaining a long-distance relationship. It's hard to stay in contact, and I feel like we're growing apart because we don't get a chance to see each other." Then, most importantly, give him a chance to respond. Chances are, he feels the same way. If so, things can gently break off. If not, then quietly explain why you feel the way you do. Don't spend time stressing your fidelity or lack thereof, it will only make him feel that you have been cheating on him. Instead,
explain how the physical distance is becoming an emotional distance as well and that you feel it would be healthier for both of you to concentrate on school rather than maintaining a long-distance relationship."
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